So its a nice summer night and I'm sitting out at the patio at M's place. It's quiet and I'm playing my music softly. I have a drink out, vodka and apple juice. Its a vice I've chosen for it's perceived 'harmlessness' compared to other stuff. Speaking of which. I'm in a difficult place. I feel like I'm falling and slipping out of control slowly and deliberately. School was really good for me. It was 2 years of nothing having to worry about big issues (in hindsight, college had its tough moments aka $ and grades but in the larger scale of life, the security of school is something I miss.) I forced 21 years of living and learning into 2 short years. Now I'm on the verge of something else. All these years I've felt like I'm just hanging back, in transit. I went through poly, 2 years of learning a new skill but living day by day without a window into the future. Now, a real chance to actually stay and finally starting to live. But this means I need a job. A job here would represent the final act of having my life to my own and start being me.
But it's getting rough. I'm exposed to 'happy things'and my anxiety and misery is slowly taking over. I've been trying so hard to avoid taking harder stuff because I know what could happen and I'm already living at the edge of total destruction everyday. I know that if I ever get to that place, I will do it. But to not get to that place and while trying to survive I need soft happy things. Just that I need to control my frequency. Because if not, without any outlet at all I might just snap and do it without warning.
My minor vices are keeping me alive, for now. This is getting harder. I really need a perm job. My work is all I have that is keeping me alive. Everything else is in such a mess now, I just need that one certainty to cling on to.
Why am I so miserable? Its confusing and mentally scary to face or ponder on any answers. When will I be ok? When will this end?
If I can't find anything to live for, I'm afraid I might find something to die for.
