Quote from http://thelesbianlifestyle.blogspot.com/

"What they don't see is the painful process of self-doubt, self-hatred, and alienation, and when you've come to terms with those yourself, realizing that you will never be "normal", that no matter where you go, you will never feel completely safe."

hm. topic have been in my mind for quite some time now. Really, i never felt 'self-doubt, self-hatred, and alienation' but rather, i feel very annoyed. i'm prefectly fine with being gay and the whole gay issue, i just cant get get over the 'liking someone' issue. strange isnt it. Just dislike the stupid helplessness one would feel when in crush. this whole attraction thing is seriously irriating and movever, because it's notthe opp sex it's even more annoying then ever due to the fact that the chances of them being just as attracted to you - and therefore not replused - is more then halved.

See, if it's a guy, they would proby be honoured if they suspect that you are attracted to them (male ego) but if it's a straight girl, it's highly possible to be replusion and therefore one would look like a idiot to them. Anyway, i'll never tell cos it's a pride thing (they wield power when they know you like them and most of the time people abuse that power) and also it's a warped mindset of mine. i hate people, in general. i'll hate you before i know you and if you are ok then i'll go up the scale to 'netural' and only then slowly to 'friend' status, if you ever get there.

so how the fuck did these strangers jump the scale?! fucking annoying.

To be or not to be a Editor or camera person?

In Singapore now for exactly 2 weeks after my 2 weeks Europe trip. Suddenly I feel that the world is mine. Things like this tend to happen, to realize that Europe (or Hollywood) is not just a place that one would hear, know and see but never go. Disappointed that France did not sell 'Sugar Rush' despite being Britain's neighbor though. One would imagine Toulouse would be packed with more British stuff then American considering the facts. 4 days alone in France. No one else, in Singapore that is (hopefully), can make that claim. Btw, Spain's... fine.

'Realised that you were incomplete and now you're whole'

But back to reality, to burn one's pocket's just for that 2 weeks of... 'Alternate reality' is unwise. Therefore I must form a plan, to fly, to leave and to live.

Why do people like the films they like and hate the films they hate? But before we go into people, as in people other then me, maybe I should ask myself that same question first.

Films. Movies. They are hard work and not easy to make. Most of the time, the product you imagine at the beginning, the goal you hope to reach may not be what you get at the end, after all the sweat blood tears and stress. Not to mention money. So why do we still do it?

Go to a video store. Tilt your head and go through the DVD's one by one. Out of so many movies, I bet only a handful catches your attention, only that handful you remember with fondness or a urge to reach out and pull it out of the shelf. And why, out of so many films, a whole floor of shelves-ful would you remember only that handful? Or get that urge to pull out that particular handful? I guess it a combination of

A) the mood you are currently in to watch what kind
B) the different kinds of movies you like
C) the mood you were in when you watch that particular kind of movie

I really dun know what I'm trying to say. One just needs to voice random thoughts at random times I guess.

what kind do I like? How do I know why I like it?
the feel I get after watching it I guess. What are the kinds of mood and kinds of movies I like?

some days I wanna watch a movie that entertains me.
some days, a movie that entertains me and pulls me out of my reality and into its.
some days, a movie that entertains me ,pulls me out of my reality and into its, and after that, allow me to remember it because of, paradoxically ,me relating it with my own reality.

ah shikes. nevermind.

sometimes, make movies just to entertain, just for that particular 'feel of the moment'
sometimes, make movies to entertain but yet send a message?

what is art? Make films for yourself or for the audience? Who is your audience? Who are the people you hope to connect with, that you would want for to love your film?

why are you making this film?

what is it you hope to see happen with the making of this film that would make you feel the sense of accomplishment, a sense of satisfaction, the thought of ' yeah. I did it. I succeeded.'

What is it you want to see happen that would make it, the sweat blood tears and stress, all worth it?