I feel like I have to justify to myself again and again why I made those decisions. I let her know really obviously that I'm into her because A - I really do not know how to behave around someone I like, B - I just need the lines drawn, for myself to cope because I cant function when it's blurry and C - I believe that I've spent enough time being miserable plus I did promise myself that I'll try to be happy and live my life without regrets seeing that I'm this far out already.

Talked to LB about these issues today and it got me thinking. I'm bought up straight and that's why I really do not know how to 'be gay' and especially being around gay people. I've stuck to the straight model for so long that anything else feels weird because I'm so used pretending to be someone I'm not, it's weird to be yourself. I'm crazy and sometimes do not make sense but I'm also serious and intense sometimes. So how does it work?? Therefore my identities split up between when I'm in gay town and when I'm in straight land. When they meet, it just throws me off and I really do not know how to react.

I used to think that being gay is something that is just one aspect of my life, something that can be hidden and wouldn't be a problem. I used to think that I didnt have a problem with it but after much detective work about issues in my life, it all points to that as a root. I can't connect well in female friends for fear of they finding out and feeling like I've betrayed their trust. I'm afraid of connecting with guys because I don't want to lead them on and I feel that once they know they will shun me because I'm no longer a possible 'mate'. Fear of rejection and overcompensate by being over successful to justify to oneself as to why it's not one's fault one got rejected?

I need to learn how to identify myself to other gay people in a nonchalant way that allows me to make friends and pursuit happiness.

off topic: I'm trying to figure out when/how I became so jaded. I feel like there's no hope in the world, that nothing I do means anything, so why bother? You can only do things when you are in power but the road to that means that you have to lose more of your hope first.

Fav status

J likes lines. Lines exist for many good reasons. They maintain order, my sanity and minimize confusion. Rules can be broken but LINES ARE NEVER TO BE CROSSED

J is feeling pensive. Sometimes in the pursuit of happiness you realise that you are the harbinger of your own inexplicit inevitable misery

i am really really upset. I'm runnning out of money and I dunno what to do. I've come too far to go back now and live a life in Singapore now that I've the chance to get a job here. The feeling now is horrible, the sense of despair is too much. Not to mention the ticket I probably is all just too overwhelming right now. I cannot go back. I will die if i go back. I just finally found a reason to be alive being here. I fought so long and so hard, this cannot end like this.