Since i dun have to courage to tell this to my doctor i might as well spill it all here. no one knows me, it doesnt matter anyway and i'll proby remove this post soon

wonders of human technology

is this normal i ask,

to dream about shooting myself in the head.

to think about shooting myself in the head

to plan to move to the states cos one of the reasons is so that i can buy a gun to shoot myself in the head

and i know i proby will die, but i would still do it not cos i wan TO die, its just cos i WAN to shoot myself in the head

weirdest?

when i'm panicing, i just imagine blowing my head off and i will calm down. I imagine heads being blown off in movies, tv shows and i know the real thing is probu different but the image calms me down.

I ended sessions with my psychologist yesterday. it wasnt expected yet it was. maybe it was just too abrupt. Wonder whether it was the correct thing to do becos i still am not ok. i feel lost without the sessions. yet, i know they have to end one day and the usual attitude is 'nip them in the bud.'i'm a fucking walking contradiction to the fucking tee. it's not just the deaths, its my whole mind bugging me. this thoughts and these aruguments inside my mind. even the question of my sanity needs a battlefield worthy fight. I am normal. Right?