I have demons in my head. They sneak up on me. It get so dark I cant see anything else. It's getting harder and harder to tell how real the threat is anymore.

People keep leaving. No one really stays. But they didn't really leave because they won't supposed to stay in the first place.

A year ago today I got to hang out with an irish girl that had my eye. Today I got to hang out with the boys and naked girls that didnt. And right now, I'm still thinking about that Irish girl. Sigh.

Suddenly I just keep thinking about her. I cannot stop thinking about her. This is preposterous. I was doing fine and today out of the blue I suddenly cannot stop thinking about her. Yes, I've thought about her in the past but today mirror one of those really intense days circa spring 09. What the hell. That Irish girl has gotten me mad.

L had a miscarriage. All sorts of things running through my mind now.

A strange thing happened today. My mum was talking about me and my sis's future and she used the word 'partner' when talking about our respective marriages. She's old fashioned. When it comes to simple black and white concepts, she would never use a term so...vague. Hm?

The storm passed. It's much calmer now. I feel like my journey of trying to find or figure out who I am will never really have an end.

Thinking alot recently about Love and Sex. I think we as humans really screwed them up badly. Sex is a procreation tool, yet humans with their ability to feel Love have somehow tangled them both up. Our animalistic instinct is in direct conflict with our fringe emotions. For some, fringe emotions are the aspects of what Love makes one do, such as jealousy or extreme affection.

When one confuses either aspects to be the other, that's when things go wrong. It's nice to kiss, touch and cuddle. But when you do it out of the sake of the nice fuzzy feelings those actions provide instead of doing it because you actually have feelings of Love towards that person, that's when things go horribly wrong in your head. Or mine at least.

I think my brain associates sex as a way to express love, the right way, but there is a catch. I don't swing straight. I know it's fruitless to fight it so that meant I'm doomed to have meaningless encounters because my brain thinks that I'll never be able to love. So I went along the "might as well have as much fun as I possibly can" path. But it suddenly went wrong because in the pursuit of it I realized that the possibility of me actually being able to fall in love suddenly became very real.

And that was a insanely scary feeling.

It's all kinda fucked now but I hope I learnt a lesson from it. However part of me wished the time for lessons is over and that I can start getting some things right already.