The problem with this affliction is that when it feels good, it feels supremely good and later, it will feel just as supremely bad. The higher you go, the further down you'll fall. I want good things to happen in my life. But every time when I allow myself to believe that good things might happen, every time I try to be normal and live a life like how a normal person would - allow myself to possibly yearn for good things to happen like a normal person - I get brutally reminded that I am not and never will be normal. I cannot feel the good without anticipating the bad. I cannot feel the good without  a visit from the bad eventually. I cannot feel the good without paying too heavy a price later.

Maybe I should reconsider ECT.