A lobotomy is what i need. I can't sleep and when I do, I dream so vividly it's like I'm awake. I can't find solace in anything anymore and it scares me. I can't watch tv without feeling longing, I can't be awake without thinking, I can't feel anything other than this constant pain that has become a numbness and now I literally can't sleep. I'm fine with the whole BK thing, really, it's just the part about me and my stupidity that I can't understand and get around. It's this constant battle of good and evil, crimes and punishment, happiness and misery cycles that keep churning and churning and I can't logically explain them away! They are on constant replay in my head, drilling a hole into my consciousness and I feel my sanity slowly slipping away. I need something to hold on to but that something is out of my control (job) and the instinct to survive is constantly sabotaged by the power of the hopelessness disguised as an answer to feel less pain. I'm trying SO hard to not drown, I'm trying so hard not to break down completely. Everytime I decide to reach for some happiness I feel like I cannot have any because it will make me even sadder later. I'm trying to work my brain out of this hellhole but in the process I always seem to destroy something unintentionally and then I feel like everything I touch turns to dust because in the process of trying to save myself I destroy everything else. And I hate that I do that. So what can I do? What should I do?