When I left Singapore, I left more then just the country I was born in. I left my past, to start anew where no one knows me. Left the place where I never felt comfortable in, left the masks I'm forced to put on and left the Logic of life I had to live and pretend by. Left the bad memories of not being simple minded, the puberty which came with self disgust and the people and the reasons I blamed for her death.

It was a bad idea sticking to this group. Singaporeans are a vile group. The poison of 'teasing' and 'subconscious-forced-conforming' seep through but my years of acting, lying and practice at being a hypocrite via the emergence of TROY prevailed. I refuse to not be dorky. I refuse to be 'stupid'. I refuse to be ashamed of using big words to 'appear/act smart'. I refuse to be made ashamed of to be more girly when I want to. I refuse to move in herd thinking. I refuse to not stand out by standing up for what I believe in. I refuse to be allowed to be treated badly. I refuse to try to please everyone. I refuse to be afraid all the time. I refuse to be hiding all the time. I refuse all the things i allowed and then hating myself for allowing.

So I saved myself alittle. America, saved my soul a little. Be yourself. Be individualistic. What NOT to be was to BE AFRAID. Now I'm trying to gain back the time I've lost, the youth I've never had, the good parts of emotions life brings and the other points of views that sufficiently rationalize bad things into good things.

America has it's cons, but it's foundation is good. It is healthy. It is right. I can't go back to Singapore now because I will die.

I'm finally trying to be happy. It's hard but I'm trying.