Today have been the most... interesting week of my life yet.
Finally let go. To HC of all people. Maybe He doesnt really understand. But I'm glad he was willing to listen. We need to let people know that we would be there for them, it is really important.
Sat was Mikey birthday. I think I subconsciously let it slipped that it was April the 12th. When it was April the 11th. Did my mind really tried to protect itself from knowing it's Her birthday?
Weds was the due date for that psych class' exam essay. Tues was hard trying to finish it. Tues was also day of silence pre meeting. and B was there. It was all alot to cope.
Weds came and the exam made me very upset. I almost broke down and wanted to talk to Prof Scott about it. I saw Megan Brown. I needed to talk to someone. I went for waxing to feel some pain. I went to Lei's to get her soup because she had a fever and I ate with her, mostly in silence. I didn't tell her anything because I didn't want to trouble her.
Thursday was Day of Silence. I didn't know how to interact with B. I looked away when she might have seen me. I was upset I didn't interact with her at all. I walked about, hiding as an ally. I wore my rainbow wristband, trying to counter my attempt to pretend to be an ally. I spoke about LGBT and DOS to friends and Prof Brown. I felt terrified that they will ask if I'm gay. Yet I kinda wanted them to. I said 'fuck it'" and spoke at Breaking of Silence. "I have no idea why I'm taking part in day of silence when everyday is like that for me." I met up with C for the Cecil. I just needed to let him know that he needs to find closure. I broke a little. He said that he wanted me to know that I can call him anytime. I needed someone to tell me that and that I trust them enough to do so. I went home, thinking about what i said at Breaking of Silence. I went to sch to finish up work.
Friday was WIF which i missed. I made sure Cecil was done proper. Do I trust C? I want to. But I am ready to let go too. I met up with R for tin lizzie. I rented SUMMER STORM and it opened my mind. I smoked. I thought about Her and B. Myself and everything else.
I woke up late, turned the tv on. I caught the last few moments of HOUSE, recent ep on USA (which is very rare for USA to repeat a recent ep) I remembered someone telling me that Lawrence Kutner is going to be written out of HOUSE via suicide. I cringe. Because i know HOUSE will dig into my brain. House did, somewhat. They show the people left behind and the guilt and misery of all the characters. House knows such misery because he sees everything. But that means he also saw through the loophole in suicide thats why he's still here. I started falling apart. I called V. Busy. I called S. sleeping. I decided to call HC because i remember that he said that he's always just a phonecall away.
I need to break to someone who knows for sure that I'm not attracted to them.
Yet I'm wary and I hold back because I've been burned and made a fool of by friends who have a very bad sense of when or how to play a prank on someone.
I still feel the betrayal. And it still stings. I don't want to live like this anymore. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, we are no longer friends.
Finally let go. To HC of all people. Maybe He doesnt really understand. But I'm glad he was willing to listen. We need to let people know that we would be there for them, it is really important.
Sat was Mikey birthday. I think I subconsciously let it slipped that it was April the 12th. When it was April the 11th. Did my mind really tried to protect itself from knowing it's Her birthday?
Weds was the due date for that psych class' exam essay. Tues was hard trying to finish it. Tues was also day of silence pre meeting. and B was there. It was all alot to cope.
Weds came and the exam made me very upset. I almost broke down and wanted to talk to Prof Scott about it. I saw Megan Brown. I needed to talk to someone. I went for waxing to feel some pain. I went to Lei's to get her soup because she had a fever and I ate with her, mostly in silence. I didn't tell her anything because I didn't want to trouble her.
Thursday was Day of Silence. I didn't know how to interact with B. I looked away when she might have seen me. I was upset I didn't interact with her at all. I walked about, hiding as an ally. I wore my rainbow wristband, trying to counter my attempt to pretend to be an ally. I spoke about LGBT and DOS to friends and Prof Brown. I felt terrified that they will ask if I'm gay. Yet I kinda wanted them to. I said 'fuck it'" and spoke at Breaking of Silence. "I have no idea why I'm taking part in day of silence when everyday is like that for me." I met up with C for the Cecil. I just needed to let him know that he needs to find closure. I broke a little. He said that he wanted me to know that I can call him anytime. I needed someone to tell me that and that I trust them enough to do so. I went home, thinking about what i said at Breaking of Silence. I went to sch to finish up work.
Friday was WIF which i missed. I made sure Cecil was done proper. Do I trust C? I want to. But I am ready to let go too. I met up with R for tin lizzie. I rented SUMMER STORM and it opened my mind. I smoked. I thought about Her and B. Myself and everything else.
I woke up late, turned the tv on. I caught the last few moments of HOUSE, recent ep on USA (which is very rare for USA to repeat a recent ep) I remembered someone telling me that Lawrence Kutner is going to be written out of HOUSE via suicide. I cringe. Because i know HOUSE will dig into my brain. House did, somewhat. They show the people left behind and the guilt and misery of all the characters. House knows such misery because he sees everything. But that means he also saw through the loophole in suicide thats why he's still here. I started falling apart. I called V. Busy. I called S. sleeping. I decided to call HC because i remember that he said that he's always just a phonecall away.
I need to break to someone who knows for sure that I'm not attracted to them.
Yet I'm wary and I hold back because I've been burned and made a fool of by friends who have a very bad sense of when or how to play a prank on someone.
I still feel the betrayal. And it still stings. I don't want to live like this anymore. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, we are no longer friends.
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